Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What kind of an idiot gives a three-year-old boxing gloves?

The older I get the dumber I get. I don't need any kind of medical research to back this statement up as I have indisputable experiential evidence. Last week our office was being moved from one floor in our building to another. I work for a computer software company that went from startup to acquisition, and consequently all of the stereotypical computer startup office stuff was present: ping-pong tables, pool tables, XBox, Wii, couches, life-sized Homer Simpson cardboard cutouts. [Editor's note: after some consideration I'd like to retract my description of that last one - what does a life-sized cartoon character look like?]

Anyway, one of the items that was being discarded (we're not a startup anymore so no more toys) was a kick-boxing dummy with three sets of boxing gloves. I like boxing gloves. Why wouldn't my three boys like boxing gloves?

Let me list some of the things that I've learned about boxing gloves since taking them home to three boys ages 3, 5, and 7.

  1. Boxing gloves do not in any meaningful way prohibit the pain of a direct blow to the groin. Immediately after showing the cool new toys to my kids and helping them put them on, my three year old delivered an upper cut to the groin that sent me to the floor just as effectively as a round-house to the head. I can't blame him as I had just gotten done explaining to them all how boxing gloves were designed to stop punches from hurting other people. They all thought that my writhing was hilarious and took it as an invitation for attack. Which immediately led to my second lesson on boxing glove physics.
  2. Boxing gloves do not lessen the pain of a karate chop. In fact, they simply add to the mass of a five-year-old's hand. While an ungloved chop hurts plenty, a boxing glove-assisted karate move when applied directly to the nose of an adult has the ability to make one bleed rather impressively. At this point I had had enough, and stood up. One hand cupping my groin and the other over my nose. I made a muffled attempt at telling them to calm down, but this simply set a stampede in motion toward the living room. Moments later I simultaneously learned lessons number three and four about boxing gloves.
  3. An improperly attached boxing glove will come off at the apex of a swing.
  4. A boxing glove is heavy enough to knock over and break expensive glass decor. The noise of glass breaking can be heard by a mother four rooms away with a blender on and NPR cranked loud enough to hear over the blender, or so it would seem. It took Michele all of six seconds to arrive and get things under control. Very soon after I had lesson number five delivered to me verbally.
  5. What kind of an idiot gives a three-year-old boxing gloves? I know the answer to that one.


Zeemaid said...

okay.. I laughed out loud on this one. Too perfect. I'm going to make sure Hubby benefits from your experience *L*

** your wife commented on one of my posts at momblognetwork and put me on to your site. Well written and hilarious! Nice to see dads out there documenting it all too. :)

Out-Numbered said...

I still don't see the fault on your part. Now you know two things.

1) Your boys can kick the shit out of you.
2) You need to get your own gloves and start training.

Good luck.

The Dadical said...

You're right, Out-Numbered. I'm pretty sure, however, that I would still get taken to school...

The Dadical said...

Thanks ZeeMaid! My wife has gotten a lot from blogs. She's largely responsible for getting me started. Thanks for taking the time to put together something that is such a help to her (and indrectly, me).

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured in Five Star Friday!

Lyn Rose said...

You are hilarious! I laughed the whole way through reading this.

The Dadical said...

Thanks Ms. Rose. It wasn't all that funny at the time, but once the bleeding stopped I could see the humor.

BusyDad said...

Boxing gloves on a kid just means he doesn't have to aim as carefully to hit something. Swing in a general direction and you'll make contact. And yes, that includes noses, vases, the dog, groins, groins again, and once more because dad slumped over is pretty darn funny. And since my kid basically grew up in a kickboxing gym (both mom and dad did Muay Thai), our boy had access to boxing gloves pretty much everywhere he turned. heh.

Anonymous said...

Very funny and great delivery! Also, I could picture Michele standing there doing all the things you mentioned. Great story!

Chris said...

Dave, you made me laugh outloud today!! Hilarious!! As the mom of two little boys, I can only appreciate what is to come as they get older, bigger and more physical! Thanks for the laugh. ~Sperling

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