Wednesday, March 4, 2009

"Daddy, kitties don't get cold in the freezer"

I remember being so excited to hear my first kid begin to talk. Nolan was a late talker, and it seemed like I would never get to hear what was in his head. Three boys later I can clearly see the broad strokes of what they're thinking, and let me tell you it's not pretty.

Don't get me wrong, poop jokes are funny, but these kids have perfected the art of weaving discussions of flatulence into every conversation in ways that are really quite impressive. It's not just intestinal humor though. I've come to expect the unexpected and to be ready for anything.

So here is a growing list of the most insane things that have been heard in my family over the years. I pray that you never encounter any of these yourself, but I'd be interested to hear your own family's verbal outtakes.

  1. "Sluurrrrp. Mmmmm... coffee." That came from my at-the-time two year old. There were several lessons in this one. First, mommy should under no circumstances fill a brightly colored cup with whipped cream, sugar, carmel, mocha, and coffee, drink about two-thirds of it, and then leave it within climbing distance. Second, you never, ever, ever want to be anywhere near a toddler that has drunk a third of a cup of coffe. Ever. Third, coffee is a fairly effective diarrhetic.
  2. "Daddy, what do your buggers taste like?" Horible isn't it? The thing about this one is that how bad the question is depends on where you place the emphasis. "Daddy what do your buggers taste like?" implies that he has tasted others and is just curious about the flavor of mine. If there is no real emphasis on any word in particular, then one might be able to assume that the word "your" is being used in the generic "all-of-mankind" sense, and the kid is just conjecturing and considering. No, he's only three. I need to admint that my three-year-old is eating buggers, and is interested in eating other peoples' as well.
  3. "Kitties don't get cold in the freezer." That's because they have fur kiddo. Mmmmhmmm. That's nice. Yup. You should tell Mommy that. Go play now... [ten minutes later] "No honey, I didn't know anything about the cat in the refrigerator. How was I to know he was serious? I'm sure he'll be fine. Maybe warm him up in the microwave..."
  4. "Daddy, butt jam is a lot like toe jam". Butt jam? What in the name of all that is good and decent is butt jam? I know what toe jam is, and I think it's gross. I just hope that there are no crackers involved...
  5. "An ant just crawled up brother's nose". Now this seems a bit disturbing even when you first hear it. But let me tell you, with every passing moment that you don't see an ant come back out of brother's nose, or ear, or mouth, or out of something, things get a bit more tense. I actually thought the thought "I wonder if it was a queen..."
  6. "Owwwww... I hit my face on the toilet paper roller!" Yup, the little recessed roller thingy that you put a roll of toilet paper on. He hit is face on it hard enough to get a nice bruise. "How, Evan? How could you have possibly hit your face on that? And why is there a pile of toilet paper on the floor?" Well, it turns out that he was unable to get the toilet paper off of the roll fast enough. To solve this problem he went into a major league baseball-style windup and yanked as hard as he could. In the follow-through his face hit the toilet paper roll. Simple.

I can't be the only one that hears craziness from their kids. Fire me a comment and I'll add it on here...


musing said...

One that first comes to mind is: "Mommy, I just flushed the fire truck down the toilet."

(thankfully, it was the small plastic kind)

The Dadical said...

yikes. i've had to deal with a bass being flushed down the toilet, but that's a subject for another blog

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday!

Miranda said...

My little guy is a late talker.. now I'm a little worried to hear what he's thinking! LOL This is a great post, too cute!

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